Crash
by wscaster
Summary: Companion peice to Damage Control, life has a way of leading you to unexpected places, sometimes the road is not so smooth, and you feel as if you are about to crash. This story is told from Gibbs point of view.


AN: This is a companion peice to Damage Control, which has turned into a series, each can be read as a stand alone, but together they give the fuller story.

As always this story has not been betaed so any mistakes are mine and mine alone, and I do not own the characters, just having a little fun with them. So please R&R.

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Life was made up of a series of moments that change the course that you're on. 

Sometimes you see them coming others blind sided you.

His life had been no different.

His childhood had been care free, his parents had been loving and supportive of all of three of their children.

Life had been good for him, he'd breezed through his schooling, not the brightest in his class but above average. He could have done anything he wanted.

He'd joined the marines a week after graduation, his mother had cried when he told her what he'd done, but in the end his family had backed his decision, his brother had even gone so far as to say that he'd been surprised that he hadn't signed up before graduation.

He'd been in the service for about a year when he first met Shannon, he'd taken leave to be best man for his brothers wedding. Shannon was a cousin of Maggie, Steve's new wife. They had hit it off immediately and he'd spent the rest of his leave with her.

He'd married Shannon a little over 2 years later.

18 months after his marriage they had their first child, Kelly.

His life had been perfect.

He had a wonderful family, a beautiful wife, an angel for a daughter and a job that he loved. What more could a man want?

Then his wife and daughter had been taken away from him, and his life was shattered.

His work and family kept him going when all he'd wanted to do was join Shannon and Kelly. But eventually he'd buried them in his memory, kept them hidden from everyone, and kept himself from everyone as well. Keeping everyone at arms length meant that he couldn't be hurt like that again.

His sister was to introduce him to a friend of hers, well a friend of a friend really. He'd been dragged to a party by his sister while he was again on leave and Rebecca had seen him and arranged a meeting. He had been attracted to her and had married her. The marriage hadn't lasted though, and in less than 3 years he was going through his first divorce.

Meeting Mike Franks had been a major turning point in his life. The man had seen something in him and had offered him a job, which he had accepted. Since that day he hadn't looked back. He had found a new passion in his life, one that filled a hole in his life that family and casual affairs couldn't fill. His job with NCIS gave him something to immerse himself into, mind body and soul and he loved it.

When he joined NCIS he soon met Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard. What this man didn't know about the human body wasn't worth knowing, and the stories he told of his life and the knowledge that was stored in his encyclopaedic mind could cover just about any situation that he found himself investigating. It didn't take long for the two of them to become fast and dear friends. Gibbs found himself turning to Ducky more and more as the years passed, and he felt blessed to have met this wonderful man.

In fact it had been Ducky who had introduced him to wife number 3. Their relationship and been hot and tumultuous, and their arguments had been legendary. He had hoped that this one would be _the_ one. But it wasn't to be either. She ended up leaving him and then marrying his friend Tobias Fornell.

He'd been lucky that Ducky had been there to help him through the mess, and to patch him up when it became necessary.

During this time his mentor had decided it was time to retire, and he'd been promoted to team leader. This had transition hadn't been as difficult as he'd thought it would be but he found it satisfying and he found that he also enjoyed the extra challenges that it brought him.

Then came one Abigail Scuito. Nothing anyone could have said or done could have prepared any of them for this whirlwind that descended on NCIS. A lot of agents didn't know how to take her, she dressed as a goth, spoke her mind, and had let people know exactly what she thought. She had been head hunted by Tom Morrow, he'd heard about the fantastic work that she'd done while still at university and in the work placements she'd had and he'd gone after her.

It had taken all of a second for her to steal his heart, not in a romantic way, but something about this woman made him want to protect her, shield her from the cruelties of the world, as he had tried to do for Kelly, in under a minute he thought of her as a daughter and in under 2 minutes she was looking up to him as a father figure. Their relationship had only gotten stronger over the years.

Then came wife number 4. His relationship with her could only be described as a rollercoaster that was stuck on hyperdrive. It didn't take long for this marriage to fall apart, well more like explode really. Divorce number 3 was easier to deal with than the previous 2, but still hurt just the same.

Then came his first meeting with Detective Anthony DiNozzo. He'd stood back and watched the younger man work the scene for a few minutes before he'd made his presence known. He'd already dispersed the rest of his team to do various jobs, but he found himself standing back and simply watching for the first time in a very long time. There was something about the man he was watching that had captured his attention on more than one level. He found himself watching DiNozzo closely as they worked the case, the way he would work and interact with others, the way he stood up to Gibbs when he thought that Gibbs and his team were wrong, the way that he read people and clues, the intelligence that he went to great lengths to hide from everyone. In the end it had been DiNozzo who had cracked the case, he'd seen the clues that everyone else had missed, had put seemingly unrelated evidence together and found the murderer.

He'd gone back to NCIS and had gone straight down to Abby's lab and asked her to do some research for him. He wanted to know more about DiNozzo, and he wanted her to dig as deep as she could, which considering her skills tended to be deeper than any deep background check that the government did.

It took them a couple of days to finalise the case, red tape between agencies tended to be thick. By the time that the case was finally put to bed by both NCIS and the Baltimore PD Abby had finished her project and he'd made a decision to offer to offer Tony a job.

He'd arrived at Tony's office just in time to witness the shit hitting the fan. Some of his fellow detectives had cornered him and were harassing the younger man, tempers were rising fast, and he found himself wondering just how often this had happened before because DiNozzo seemed to accept the situation he was in. He found himself stepping in at the same time as DiNozzo's Lieutenant to break the fight up, but not before a couple of punches had been thrown. DiNozzo had been sent to the Lieutenant's office with Gibbs while the Lieutenant had taken the group to the conference room to rake them over the coals. Gibbs had tended to DiNozzo's split lip and checked to see what other damage had been done while they both listened to the Lieutenant yelling at his men.

He watched as DiNozzo seemed to shrink in on himself as the raised voices drifted into where they were sitting. And in that moment he knew that there was no way that he would let DiNozzo turn him down. He wanted to make sure that this man was given the support and guidance that he needed to become one of the best investigators around. He knew about his past, his work history was chequered, he never stayed anywhere long, his previous best had been 2 years, but his work had always been exemplary, which had helped him advance quickly through the ranks of the police department. He knew about his family background, his mother dying when he was young, his father's neglect, the fact that he came from money, still had money even though his father had, to the best of DiNozzo's knowledge disowned him, but unknown to him was still listed as sole beneficiary of his fathers will. Abby had also been able to get copies of every single report that young Anthony had gotten while at school and later college. Everything he'd read about the man and everything he'd seen had convinced him that he needed to get DiNozzo to come and work with him at NCIS.

It had taken him less than an hour to convince DiNozzo to leave the PD and work for him, his Lieutenant had been sorry to loose him but knew that DiNozzo deserved the chance that was being offered to him, probably knew that even if DiNozzo didn't take this job he wouldn't have stayed much longer with the Baltimore PD anyway, Gibbs had spoken to his Lieutenant for a while and learned about the respect that he had for the younger man and found out about some of the problems that DiNozzo had encountered during his time on the force that hadn't been included in any of his files.

During the five years that Tony had been with him at NCIS he had proved himself to Gibbs repeatedly. He'd watched as Tony grew as a person, and investigator. He had learned to read DiNozzo over the years, seeing beyond the mask that he showed everyone, knew when something was bothering the younger man and when he needed to take better care of him.

DiNozzo hadn't been with him long before he started getting letters and calls from someone, at first he had ignored them, but it soon became clear that something had been wrong. He had been about to ask Tony about them when the caller had decided to go past Tony and go straight to Gibbs, trying to cause trouble for the younger man. When he had asked how long it had been happening Tony had finally broken down and admitted that it had been going on for years, since he'd started with the Police Department, he'd start to get settled into a new position, start making friends and then the letters would start, then after a while the calls, and then the harassment from his colleges would start and he'd eventually have to move on.

Gibbs had listened quietly and then told Tony not to worry about it, that he would take care of it. He had tracked down the person who'd been making the calls with a little help from Abby, and he'd taken it from there, eventually tracking it back to DiNozzo Snr who had wanted to get his son back under his control, he'd tried different tactics over the years but when Tony had gone into the police force he'd decided the best way to get what he wanted was to discredit his son, leaving him with nowhere to turn.

Gibbs hadn't stood for that and had paid DiNozzo Snr a little visit and had a little chat with the man.

The phone calls and letters stopped.

Then they had met Caitlin Todd, before they had even finished the case he'd decided that he wanted her on his team as well.

Hell he had loved working closely with Tony, his team had fluctuated recently for various reasons, but he had been under pressure from Tom Morrow to recruit or he'd do it for him. Cait had come along at the right time and he knew that she'd work. The only problem had been that he'd had to divide his attention between Tony and Cait.

He could admit it to himself, that he was attracted to Tony. Had been from the moment he'd seen him. But the more time he spent with Tony the more he felt for Tony. But he'd never let his emotions show, he had a reputation for being a bastard and he'd found that it helped to keep everyone from seeing how he felt. Well kept most people from seeing how he felt, Ducky knew and had repeatedly badgered him to talk to Tony about how he felt.

Cait changed the dynamics. There was no denying it. Tony had always played the clown, used humour and quotes from his movies to help relieve stress, but once Cait joined them Gibbs noticed that the Tony hid behind his mask more, as if her joining them made him doubt who he was.

Not long after he hired Cait, he transferred McGee to his team as well, he now felt that his team was complete and could stop looking for more people. Between the four of them along with Ducky and Abby he felt that they had all aspects of any investigation covered. He watched as Tony took the younger agent under his wing to help him adjust, train him and tease him. All the while he and Cait continued to bicker and snipe at each other like brother and sister.

One thing Gibbs had learned was that Tony craved attention, any attention, but what he really needed, what he couldn't live without was the approval, and the fear of not having that approval was a driving force for hiding behind the mask of what he thought people wanted from him. If he gave them what they wanted, what they expected then they couldn't be disappointed and he wouldn't earn their disapproval.

He'd started watching Tony more closely when his two year anniversary approached, looking for signs that Tony was unhappy or unsettled. He'd done everything he could to make sure that Tony broke his two year habit. He needed Tony to stay, wasn't anywhere near ready to give him up then, and as time went on the thought of loosing Tony for any reason got harder to bear.

Trouble had a way of tracking Tony down when they least expected it, and each time trouble struck it seemed to take 10 years off of Gibbs life. And each time he found himself praying to a god that he thought had abandoned him long ago that this time they would be able to bring Tony back home again. Each time something happened, or they lost Tony he felt as if his heart would stop until they found him again or the crisis had passed, and each time he feared that he had lost the chance to tell Tony how he felt.

Some things stood out in his memory, even when he had had trouble remembering the last fifteen years of his life. Memories of Tony had been some of the first that had broken through his walls.

The memory of Tony talking to him on the phone when the effects of the drugs he'd been slipped had taken effect had been especially hard, and he'd been grateful that Jen had been there with him when that memory had returned to him. It had been hard, living through it the first time had been just as hard, thinking at first when Tony's voice had started to slur a little that Tony had been playing a joke, but he had soon realised that Tony had been in trouble. He hadn't even realised that he had moved until Cait had been yelling at him to slow down as he sped to the bar. He had never been so relieved to see someone as he had been when he had seen Tony through the small grate in the sewer walls. Granted the danger was far from over but at least he knew that Tony was still alive and working his way out of the sewers. After that case had been over, he'd been unable to let Tony out of his site for a few days. He'd made sure that Tony was given an all clear before taking him back to the office while they finished the paper work and then when it was time to go he'd reminded Tony that the doctors had said that he needed someone to stay with him, just to be on the safe side. He hadn't slept much that night, checking that Tony was still alive and with them, him, had been top priority for him.

When that damned letter had arrived in the office, he'd watched at first as Tony, McGee and Cait had fought over it. The office was meant to be safe, letters screened and checked before they got close to any of the agents, but this one had made it past those checks, fallen through the cracks, and when Tony opened that one small seemingly innocent envelope everything had stopped for a moment as they all saw the white powder come from the inside. Sure they had procedures in place for such events, but no one had expected to actually have to put those procedures into practice. Not on his watch, not because of someone on his team, and especially not because of Tony.

They had acted fast, but it hadn't been fast enough, Tony had breathed the powder in, and had been infected with the plague. He'd wanted to keep his team close by, as if by doing so he'd be able to fight off any disease that even threatened his team, but he hadn't been able to do anything as Tony and Cait had both been taken to Bethesda for observation until the tests came back.

He'd been like a bear with a bur in it's paw while he waited, he knew it, but he couldn't stop himself. He was worried, and there was nothing that he could do to help, so he'd fallen back onto what he could do. Find the person who was responsible for sending the letter in the first place. When things hadn't moved fast enough for him he'd growled, barked, yelled at anyone and everyone who dared stand in his way.

He'd always hated waiting for things, and when they realised what they were facing his temper flared brighter than ever. He needed to do something, anything, he couldn't stand doing nothing. He'd even prayed, but even before the results had come back he'd known that Tony was infected. He needed to find the answer, to find an antidote. But when they'd found the person responsible for the letter, and the doctor who had altered the Y-Pestis he hadn't been able to accept that there was nothing that he could do to help Tony. Even with the disease only having a life of 32 hours, the damage would have already been done, and the prognosis hadn't been good. Only a 15 chance of survival.

He'd raced back to the hospital, he'd spoken to Ducky as soon as he'd gotten the information and had received an update. He needed to see Tony, and no one would stop him. He'd barrelled into the isolation ward and told Tony he wasn't allowed to die, that he wasn't going to let him simply give up. And that had been the turning point.

Tony had fought, and he'd been there every step of the way, visiting late at night, helping him out when Tony was plagued with coughing fits so bad that he couldn't breath, and then taking Tony home with him when he was released from the hospital so that he could make sure that Tony continued to get better, continued to eat so he would put the weight back on that he'd lost and that he wouldn't be alone when it was all that he could do to keep breathing.

Two weeks after opening the letter, Tony was back at work. He'd tried to talk Tony into taking the extra week off, but he'd been glad that Tony had wanted to go back to work, at least there he'd be able to continue to keep a close eye on him. But his pleasure had soon turned to worry and horror as they gained a case soon after arriving. He'd given Tony the least taxing jobs at the scene, knowing that Tony wasn't back to top form, but even that had proved to be hazardous, as Tony had stumbled while coming down the slop. It was not something that would have happened before his recent hospital stay, but he'd been fine, a little bruised and winded maybe but fine. Tony had simply scared another 10 years off of his life, once he'd been sure that Tony was all right he'd left Tony and Cait to it while him went to check on Ducky and calm his nerves.

He'd almost succeeded, helped by listening to Ducky griping about his assistant as they arrived. But that calm had been broken as he'd heard Cait and McGee yelling about a bomb as they raced back up the slop to the road. They 'd just made it when then explosion knocked everyone to the ground. The shock of the explosion was just waring off when he realised that Tony hadn't been with the others, and then he heard Cait yelling for him.

He'd been to stunned to move, he couldn't believe that Tony had beaten the plague only to be killed by a bomb on his first day back at work. He'd been about to get up when he saw movement, and then Tony's head showed above the rise as he flopped down by the side of the road. Everyone who'd been there raced to help the downed man as soon as their shock passed, but he'd barked at them to get back to work and let Ducky check him out. Once they'd realised that there was no life threatening injuries he'd made Tony sit in the car and rest while they finished working the scene. But he'd also made sure that he'd had Tony in his sight at all times

But nothing had been able to erase the feeling that had settled in his gut, something was going to happen, and there was no way in hell he was going to like the outcome. He'd been relieved when his team had stayed with him at the office that night, even though they were technically protecting him he was glad to be able to watch over them as they each feel asleep, knowing that this was another night that they would all wake from. Then they had gotten their break and the chase was on, this was something that he could take command of, something he was good at, the hunt, the chase, the getting of the bad guys, and as a team they were one of the best at it.

It had all happened so fast, they knew the area, and the target, he knew how to get the attention of those who he needed and they moved, worked together like the well honed machine that his team had become, that they had become known for. And then it had been over, or so they thought, the missile had been crashed harmlessly into the ocean, none of the good guys had been hurt, and the bad guys were either dead or to injured to be a problem, but then one shot had rung out, cutting their words off, and ending Caits life, her blood blowing onto Tony's face, making his paleness stand out more strongly. It had taken only a second to realise that there Ari had killed her, and once that thought had gotten through he'd immediately concentrated on Tony. He'd been worried that Tony was going to pass out where he stood, that the shock would be to much for his still recovering body to handle. He'd stood in front of Tony blocking his line of sight to Cait, concentrated on getting Tony to focus on him, to answer him, making sure that Tony hadn't been physically hurt as well.

Cait's death had hit Tony hard, for all their bickering and squabbling they had been close, not romantically close, more like sibling close, always trying to one up each other, but always there when they were needed. They'd closed ranks by the time they arrived back at the office, steadying on another, and they'd all gathered around to help shield Tony from prying eyes that seemed to follow them all at the time. It had been unspoken between the rest of them, each doing their part to make sure that Tony was all right and heading off their concerned co-workers. But even through his own pain Tony had been there for all of them as well, making sure that they had what they needed to continue functioning.

Things settled down for a while and they all worked at getting their balance and strength back. It had been hard with the knocks that they had had but they'd done it, and finally being able to close the book on Ari had gone a long way in healing them all.

Then Ziva had arrived, to join their team and work with them, that had been all it had taken to shake Tony's sense of belonging. Most people wouldn't have even noticed, but he had seen it, and again he found himself working overtime to make sure that he didn't loose his senior field agent, things that most people wouldn't have even realised that he'd done, and some that at the time he knew that even Tony hadn't realised. But once again that disaster had been averted before most people even realised that there might have even been a problem.

Then Tony had been framed for murder. It had been close, and if he hadn't known Tony, hadn't had the faith that he had in the man even he would have had his doubts about his innocence. The evidence had been compelling, and the science had backed it up. The digging through Tony's past had hurt Tony, having his team mates combing through his life, through things that he had worked so hard at keeping hidden from everyone, things from his past that he'd hoped to keep in his past, knowing that by searching through his life his team mates would get a glimpse at who he really was, that behind the mask was a intelligent and caring person. And he'd known that he'd have his work cut out for him in convincing Tony not to simply pack up and run when they finally cleared his name, and he had. Tony's carefully constructed world had been rocked down to it's foundations, and he'd almost given up while he'd been locked up in the cell.

He'd seen just how close Tony had come to simply giving up, to folding, and he'd been relieved that Tony had trusted him enough to show just how scared he had been, and he'd been glad that no one else had been a witness to the meltdown that he'd needed to be able to rally himself to fight again. But again he'd felt helpless, and was reminded to much of when Tony had been in the hospital fighting for his life. And again he knew that he'd been like a bear with a bur in it's paw, but when it came to Tony he couldn't help himself.

He'd looked into everything, made Abby redo the tests again and look for new evidence when the tests came back the same time after time, he'd known that he wasn't wrong, that Tony was innocent, and he hadn't rested until he'd found what he needed to clear him. He'd called in favours, and gone over and over things himself until they'd found something, and then all the red tape had still almost cost him too much, he'd never been so glad that he'd insisted that he teach Abby self defence as when they'd arrived in her lab to find her sitting calmly in her chair with Chip secured with several rolls of gaff tape. It had been close but they'd managed to come out on top again, with Tony being cleared and Abby safe. That night he'd taken both of them home with him to make sure that they were safe.

When he'd been caught up in the blast on the ship he'd thought for sure that that was the end of the story, but he'd survived. But when he'd woken up he'd lost fifteen years of his life, and woken up to the nightmare that he'd been in when he'd first lost Shannon and Kelly, surrounded by strangers who had been scared for him. He'd had to work hard to get his memories back, had thought about not even trying for a while, but seeing his friends, seeing Tony, when they had visited had made him want to fight to get back what he'd lost.

When Tony had visited him he'd gotten the feeling that even though he'd lost his memory, Tony had lost so much more than that. He'd looked so lost and alone, even when he was surrounded by the others, and that had pulled at Gibbs' heart like nothing else could have. Every time he'd thought of giving up, that getting his memory back was just too hard he'd remembered Tony.

He'd been grateful that Jen had stayed with him for as long as she had while he'd struggled, and her being there had certainly brought a few memories back, enough to make him blush, and feel unfaithful to Shannon, but she'd only helped him so much, concentrating on trying to remember Ducky, Abby and Tony had been the key to getting the larger scraps of his memory, but there were still holes. Large gaping holes that he needed to get back.

When his warnings had fallen on deaf ears and all those people died because it was simply easier to cover it up that way he'd been mad. And he'd known exactly what he'd had to do. He had to leave, to go away and find himself again, to make sure that no one else would get hurt because of him, that he knew all of his demons that could come back to hurt those that he loved.

He'd marched out of MTAC and down to the bullpen where his team were waiting for him. He could see the looks of hope that spread across Abby, Ziva and McGee's face and it hurt him knowing that what he was about to do would hurt them, even though that was what he was trying to avoid. The hardest to face had been Tony, he'd known that it would be, and he'd almost lost his nerve when he face his senior agent, the look of pain and acceptance that had been carefully covered over so that the others couldn't see it also look so natural on him, and it hurt so much to know that Tony's defences were back up stronger than ever because of him. The defences that he'd worked so hard to dismantle. He knew that by leaving he was doing exactly what he'd work so hard to convince Tony that he'd never willingly do, he was leaving. Looking closely he could also see sadness, of being lost and the self doubts creeping back in. He had faith in Tony, he knew that the younger man was stronger than he realised, certainly had the ability to lead his team, but also knew that Tony didn't believe that he was ready for that, and unless he was pushed he never would believe it either, his father had done one hell of a job in beating him down and keeping him there.

So he'd left without a word to any of them, he'd simply said goodbye and that he was leaving NCIS, but he'd never said told any of them that he was going, but he knew that Tony had known as soon as he'd handed over his gun and badge. He had just prayed that Tony would one day understand why he'd had to do that.

He'd gone down to Mexico and stayed with Mike Franks, tried to live the carefree life that Mike had made sound so appealing while he'd been in the hospital. And it had been nice for a while, it had given him time to recover more of his memories, some of which had woken him up screaming, others had made him cry. But as his memories returned so did the restlessness. He found himself wanting to go back to him home, his family, to Tony, but he also felt as if he didn't have the right to go back there now, not after so long without any word from him. And that hurt.

When he had gotten the call from Ziva he hadn't hesitated, he'd left as soon as he could. It had felt good to be back with his team again, back doing what he was good at, helping those who he cared about, those who couldn't help themselves. For the first time in months he'd felt almost whole again, but it came at a price.

Tony.

He'd spent the entire trip pulling his bastard persona back into place, he knew that he'd have to be the bastard, show them that he was fine that he was back, even if it had been only to help Ziva, and he'd made sure that they all knew that that was the only reason that he was back. He'd seen the hurt look when Tony had seen him, and that feeling had only intensified when he'd told the younger man why he was back, he'd also heard some of the talk around the building before people had realise that he was back, and what he'd heard had made him angry, and he hurt for Tony. He knew that Tony had often acted the fool, the skirt chaser, whatever character he'd needed to get the job done, he'd just never realised that so many people had bought the act so far that they hadn't been able to see the leader that was truly there, the intelligent agent that had the ability to solve so many cases. It had hurt him when he heard someone say that the only way that Tony could get anyone to do as he said was to channel Gibbs. He'd almost gone around the corner and given the idiot a piece of his mind about that but he'd stopped himself knowing that it would do nothing to dispel the theory if Gibbs went in there fighting Tony's battles.

Abby had welcomed him back as if he'd never left, and his heart had warmed at that. He'd been a little shocked to see his picture staring down at her from all of the screens that were scattered around her lab, but he'd also been touched that she had missed him so much.

She had been the easy one.

He'd seen the hope flare in Tony's eyes when he'd seen him, only to die out quickly with his first words. Tony thought he'd come back to them, to him, but he'd shattered that hope without a second thought. He still didn't believe that he deserved to be welcomed back so easily, and even though he know had most of his memories back he still had gaps, people would say something thinking that he knew what they were talking about only for him to draw blanks, and that frustrated him.

But he'd stayed and when another case had come up, one that he did remember he'd marched back in and demanded to be reinstated, even if it had been only for the case. But Jen had had her own agenda and had made him realise that he was still needed there, that he truly did belong there with them, and so he'd finally agreed to stay, still not totally believing that he deserved to be accepted back, but he'd marched back downstairs with his own bastard mask firmly in place and swept Tony's gear off of his desk and sat down. He'd watched the mixed emotions that sped across Tony's face, not that anyone else would have seen them, the mask was still firmly in place, and he knew that it would take a miracle before he would get through all of Tony's defences again, and that knowledge hurt him.

McGee had been a little wary, and Ziva had asked him for help, but both were happy to see him again, and when it had become clear that he was there to stay they had been relieved, though they knew that Tony had done a good job, they had missed Gibbs, and were glad to have him back.

He had wanted to take Tony aside and talk to him, tell him how he felt, that he was proud of what Tony had done, of all that he'd achieved, that he'd been able to not only hold the team together but make them stronger was a credit to Tony and no one else. But he knew that Tony wouldn't believe anything that he had said at the time, he would have simply smiled and said that he didn't do anything, all the time his heart would have been breaking. He hadn't meant to hurt any of them, especially not Tony, but he also knew that if he showed any of them how much they meant to him, how happy he was to be back that they would be worried, watching out for any signs that he wasn't 100, and he knew he wasn't so he had reverted back into full Gibbs, second B is for bastard mode and dove straight back into work.

They had gotten fallen back into their roles fairly easily, but again he heard the taunts that people were throwing so casually at Tony, and not just from other teams, some of the harshest had come from his own team, and he'd had to bite his tongue to stop himself from saying anything, after all he hadn't been meant to hear what was said. But still his heart ached each time something was said, and he waited. Hoping that his return wouldn't mean that Tony would leave. He'd worked so hard at keeping Tony at NCIS, and each year as Tony's anniversary would come around he'd watched for any signs that Tony wasn't happy, that he was getting ready to leave, but each year so far Tony had stayed.

So he'd waited and watched as time had gone on, hoping that things would work themselves out. But while he'd been gone his team had changed. Just little things really, things that he was proud to see, but sometimes it made him feel as if he were back in that hospital bed again, trying to remember but not quite getting it. The worst of it was that the distance between him and Tony wasn't getting any better. He'd hoped that as time passed Tony would start to trust him again, but if anything the gap that separated them had turned into a gulf and he had no idea how to fix that.

He knew that Jen had Tony working on some undercover special op that no one else knew about, but other than that, and the fact that Tony would often disappear for hours at a time and just turn up suddenly without any explanation. He'd always said that Tony was one of the best that he'd ever seen at undercover, but he also knew that there were limits to what you could ask of anyone, and whatever the case was it was one that was close to Jen's heart, and he wasn't so sure that she wouldn't ignore any warning signs about Tony's health and state of mind to get the job done, and that worried him. He knew that Tony could handle just about anything, hell he'd lived through stuff that most people would have let take them, but still he watched as Tony continued to work with their team, and on his undercover. He watched as Tony seemed to shrink into himself, slowly loose himself. He ached to help him deal with whatever was eating him, but each time he had tried to help, offered to listen, Tony had simply smiled and said that there was nothing wrong. And each time Tony had said that Gibbs heart had clenched and he watched another little part of Tony die.

After he'd lost Shannon and Kelly he'd closed his heart, sure he'd gotten married again, three times actually, but a part of his heart had been closed, afraid that he'd be hurt again, and he knew that he wouldn't survive another hurt like that. And he'd been successful in keeping his heart protected, well partially anyway, his failed marriages had hurt but he'd been able to go on. But looking back now, sitting here in Jen's office, looking at Tony, he knew that he hadn't been successful as he'd thought. He realised now that his own defences had been invaded, penetrated. He'd gone from standing alone, to building a new slightly unconventional family. Ducky had been the first to find his way inside the wall that Gibbs had surrounded himself with. Then Abby had come along and bulldozed her way into his heart without him even blinking an eyelid, she was like a daughter to him, and he'd done everything he could to keep her out of harms way. And finally Tony had come into his life and his heart, and looking at it now it was so plain to see, so simple, he couldn't understand why it had taken him this long to realise it, he was sure he hadn't realised it before now, even with a few of his memories still missing or fuzzy he was sure he'd never realised just what Tony had meant to him, still meant to him. He understood it now, he loved Tony, would do anything for him, anything Tony asked of him, except maybe walk away. It was the one thing that he didn't think that he could do. Not again.


End file.
